I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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