So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
