how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
