While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
