Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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