nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
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I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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