we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
