Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
