yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
