if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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