I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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