Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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