dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
