I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
