Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
