She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
