She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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