Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
