I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
