I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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