By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
