I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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