Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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