He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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