just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm like, not good at living.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
