DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
