a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
