weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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