There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
