My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I checked into jail on foursquare
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
