no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
