So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
