I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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