so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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