At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
