i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
