Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I looked at my own cervix.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wish you could order shots online.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
