Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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