I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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