i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
