I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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