i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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