just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
