You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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