go do what you do best...puke behind churches
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
