theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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