i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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