Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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