Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
