No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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