Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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