he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
