Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Your cock deserves a montage
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
