A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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