I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
